It has been almost two years since the original writer of this blog post passed away. I haven’t met anyone that’s remotely more genuine than him. Return if Possible Mohit.
When life put me down in tough situation, I never said ‘Why me?’ I just said ‘Try me’. - Mohit
It is 12:44 in the morning and I don’t feel like sleeping. There were those time in my life where I felt really low and I felt like I had nothing left in me. Maybe it was the side effect of the medicines and injections. The doctors also used to say the same. I do not like to feel this way. I am a happy man. A very positive man but then I don’t really know why I am feeling this way. I feel really low. I don’t feel like doing anything. I am just so pissed off at this moment for no reason at all. I don’t have any reason to be pissed off about. I have a wonderful life, a good family, and quite a few friends who genuinely care about me. Well to be honest, I am pissed off about simply nothing. Maybe it is because of the five cannulas’ the nurse inserted in me yesterday. That feeling really hurts. Every time I have to go to the hospital, take my regular pills, or do my regular blood check ups, I really get scared. Well now I have been on medication for over two years, but it is never easy to forget the most horrible moment of your life, is it? I get scared thinking about the phase of my life which I want to forget for ever. I cannot really describe what feeling that is, but the feeling is not good at all. I have been able to control this feeling of mine lately. Maybe, I did not even have time to put on negative thoughts in my mind, or maybe I am trying not to think about it at all. But the more I try to suppress it, the more these feelings revolve around my mind. I do not know what am I gonna do about it. Should I talk to someone about it, well maybe or maybe not. I think I should be what everyone want me to be. The same old Mohit Paudel who was always happy and jolly. The old Mohit Paudel who did not care about things at all. The Mohit Paudel who was so chilled that he didn’t give a f about what others would think about him. But now the Mohit Paudel that everyone knew has changed. It is hard to be the carefree Mohit Paudel that I used to be after going through all those shit I have gone through. I am now starting to feel good as I am writing this down. I was planning to keep it personal, but what is the point in writing something if you are going to keep it to yourself. Maybe I can not write about myself in one single blog. Even a book would not be enough to write what I have gone through, and to pour out all my emotions. I sometimes cry. I cry alone because I feel I have no one with me. Then I realized how wrong I am. I have my family, the most awesome bunch of friends, I have people to talk about what I feel, and there are people who genuinely care about me. I need to stop thinking about the one person that never was there for me when I needed her the most. I don’t want to name her, but yes I still miss her. I miss every moments that I spent with her. I used to do everything I could to make her happy. But then I should have realized that I was the only one who was trying so hard. I should have realized that she had found the right one for herself and I was never the one for her. Maybe what she did at that phase was right. No one is really wrong in life. It is all about your perception. Maybe if I was in her shoes, I would have done the same. Maybe not. But I don’t want to think about it. Not at this moment. I would like to call myself a very strong person who has seen his worst for a twenty years old. Puking out everything you ate, literally everything sucks, doesn’t it? I have gone through that. I have had more than 500 injections in just 2 years. It is normal for me to have the mixed emotions that I have. Isn’t it normal to have these feelings? It is. But then I am not saying I will give up. I am not a person who believes in giving up. When life put me down in tough situation, I never said ‘Why me?’ I just said ‘Try me’. Well I don’t wanna lie here. If I lie here, to whom will I tell the truth. At those times during my treatment when I couldn’t get off my bed on my own, I used to ask GOD that one question, ‘Why me?’ But then later, I realised maybe that was the phase in life where he wanted me to be the person I never imagined to ever become. Maybe he wanted to make me strong by putting me through all the shits that I went through. Yes, I have been a strong person, but it is sometimes fine to break down, Isn’t it? We are humans after all. But the point here is my perception towards life has changed a lot. I have started to see things differently and I have started to care about people who care about me and who really matter to me, rather than caring about those who didn’t give a f about me. I wrote all these things down to make you people realise how lucky you all are. You get pissed off because your parents didn’t buy you an Iphone 7, and bought you just a simple touch screen phone. But have you ever realised that maybe that is the one that they could afford. Our parents do everything they can to make us happy. But then we never realise their importance, do we? We fight with them, we don’t listen to them, we don’t even sometimes care about them. But have you ever realised how much your parents have gone through?? I have seen that. I have realised how lucky I am to have my parents with me. And if you have them with you, you are one of the most luckiest person alive. I know this blog is getting lengthier. But then I have so much to write about. Firstly, I realised that only your family, and some of your friends will be with you when you need them the most. All other relationships are literally no more than shit. Secondly, if you are healthy trust me, you are the luckiest. There are many who would give everything they had to you, in return with your good health. So never ever neglect your health. I am saying this with my experience. There are two gifts that you should always be happy about. The number one gift is your family and the number two is your health. If you are healthy and you have a family, you are the luckiest person alive. I want to end it here. Thank you for listening. If you have come up this far, I believe that I have been able to change perception of a single person, and that is you. If not, I may have been able to change the way you see life. Well whatever it is, stay happy and think how much lucky you are.